I'm going to be honest with you. This may be quite a depressing post. Nothing terrible has happened, nothing traumatic or earth-shattering. But the realisation that pretty much the majority of people that I know in my social circles are either a) in a long-term relationship, b) married, c) married & pregnant or finally d) married, with children, has left me feeling surprisingly sad.
The search for a soul mate - because that is what I'm after (are we not?) is a search not for the faint-hearted. I think I've been also been surprised by the number of women that I know who exclaim they don't want to get married and then the next time I speak to them they are sparkling their diamond rock at me with utter glee. What the hell is that all about? Because the depressing truth is that most women, and I use that word lightly because I would actually like to say all women of the hetero vernacular, would like to be married, if not married with kids. Those who doth protest are frankly full of bullshit. And if we can't be honest with ourselves, then what's the point? As much as I want to make a successful career and I kid myself that having that and feeling proud of myself will suffice, I don't think it will.
I genuinely miss coming home to someone and sharing my life with that person, the rough and the smooth. Sure, it wasn't a bed of roses and sometimes being in a relationship was pretty shitty - but what is the alternative? Just because I'm single does not mean I'm going on lots of dates, nor does it mean that I'm even particularly attractive to the opposite sex. It just means that I'm not going out with anyone, have to attend other people's weddings and baby showers, and try and block out the realistic (cynical?) view that none of these events may be part of my life.
I did warn you this might be depressing reading...
PS
I forgot to say that I really wouldn't mind having a pleasurable distraction from work, study, and all my other million commitments - so even a fun date with a vaguely attractive man who can make me laugh would be a good start at the moment
Sunday, 19 September 2010
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Cumbria Calling
Hurrah, I've finally managed to log on (internet access is pretty dodge around here). So, I'm here in my little cumbrian retreat and it's been over a year since I last wrote on here but let's not mention that. And I don't think I can promise that it's not going to be another year again! But I'll do my best.
I'm cosying up in my little cottage with my electric heater and blanket on - surrounded by books, papers and notebooks. It's been a very interesting few days - am only just beginning to attune to the absolute silence here - there is the occasional baah and moo, and the cock Eric of course but aside from that for the first time ever I see what they mean about the defeaning silence.
It also means you can hear your thoughts all too loudly too. I've cheated a bit by bringing my laptop and I watched It's a Wonderful Life for the first time ever last night. I'm gradually breaking myself in so that I can go on a completely silent retreat or at least one that doesn't allow any booze or I'm sure any laptops or soppy films in.
On the whole, it's been great - there have been a few moments when I've thought what the hell am I doing here and why didn't I go on some nice self-indulgent holiday where there's loads of people and I don't have to think and I can get hideously drunk, dance to bad pop music, get sunburnt, and have a swim....but hey, I'm here and there is a reason why I went for this option rather than the above so had better pay attention to that.
I'm re-reading Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way - and I'd like to share my self-care list with you - I am hoping that I will crack on with the list when I'm back so here goes:
1. Go sweaty dancing (also known as 5 rhythms)
2. Learn to meditate - mindfulness
3. Do my morning pages
4. Learn reiki
5. Feel the soil in my hands
6. Do regular exercise
7. Collaborate
8. Be kind to myself
9. Find out more about Sufism and Gurdjieff
10. Go on weekly artist dates
11. Wild Mary Nights (this will mean something to some people but I'm hoping all will be clearer when I actually start them)
12. Give up alcohol
Not a bad list
I'm cosying up in my little cottage with my electric heater and blanket on - surrounded by books, papers and notebooks. It's been a very interesting few days - am only just beginning to attune to the absolute silence here - there is the occasional baah and moo, and the cock Eric of course but aside from that for the first time ever I see what they mean about the defeaning silence.
It also means you can hear your thoughts all too loudly too. I've cheated a bit by bringing my laptop and I watched It's a Wonderful Life for the first time ever last night. I'm gradually breaking myself in so that I can go on a completely silent retreat or at least one that doesn't allow any booze or I'm sure any laptops or soppy films in.
On the whole, it's been great - there have been a few moments when I've thought what the hell am I doing here and why didn't I go on some nice self-indulgent holiday where there's loads of people and I don't have to think and I can get hideously drunk, dance to bad pop music, get sunburnt, and have a swim....but hey, I'm here and there is a reason why I went for this option rather than the above so had better pay attention to that.
I'm re-reading Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way - and I'd like to share my self-care list with you - I am hoping that I will crack on with the list when I'm back so here goes:
1. Go sweaty dancing (also known as 5 rhythms)
2. Learn to meditate - mindfulness
3. Do my morning pages
4. Learn reiki
5. Feel the soil in my hands
6. Do regular exercise
7. Collaborate
8. Be kind to myself
9. Find out more about Sufism and Gurdjieff
10. Go on weekly artist dates
11. Wild Mary Nights (this will mean something to some people but I'm hoping all will be clearer when I actually start them)
12. Give up alcohol
Not a bad list
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