All the world is a mirror, not a stage

Life is quite strange sometimes isn't it. I had a wonderful evening with friends from my course on Friday night - lots of chat, laughter and profundity over good food and wine - my kind of evening. And then on Saturday evening, had the polar opposite experience - the disparity couldn't be clearer. I woke up on Sunday morning thinking what the hell was all that about? I don't know if it's something to do with the topic of conversation. After getting all heated about various issues we then moved onto the deadliest of them all - relationships. Such apparently innocent chat touches everyone's buttons - maybe aside from those who are newly loved-up, soul-mated for life or so drunk they are oblivious to what is being discussed. I admit, I find it difficult to watch someone making the same mistakes I did and just say to them that they need to go on the same journey. I just want to shake them and say don't be so bloody stupid - but that's actually not what is needed. What is needed is a sage nodding of the head and a listening, reflective ear. I have a long way to go to reach this point I have realised. I don't want my fellow women to make the same mistakes I have done - I want them to learn - but of course the only way they will learn is to make the same mistakes. So I'm going to start to learn how to nod sagely, hold back the instinct to shake them like a pepperpot and master the art of silence.

I also admit I'm not an expert on this subject - after all, I am single and have had quite a few catastrophic experiences over the past few years. And ultimately as long as I have learnt what I needed to from all of this then that is the most pertinent thing here. Doesn't matter what anyone else is learning as it's not my business. So who cares that someone is sleeping with their ex? Maybe he is using her, but maybe he's not. So what if someone just keeps entering into meaningless sex but they say they would like a life partner - maybe meaningless sex is what they need right now. I am not always right. Sometimes I'm very wrong. Sometimes I make mistakes. All I'm trying to do is search and find the truth. My truth. What's right for me.

Wintry fun

Quick catch-up. It feels like it's been a very busy week so far. I went to a lovely Christmas carol concert on Saturday evening with my girls. The first one for me this year and although it was truly wonderful and beautiful, I STILL don't feel that Christmassy. Maybe it's because I haven't actually bought any presents yet. The carol concert's venue was this absolutely stunning chapel called Grosvenor Chapel in Mayfair - it reminded me of the church in An English Patient when they go flying up the walls with lights. Anyway, it was a gorgeous venue lit with tea-lights which made me very happy. I've always believed in the healing power of music and at certain moments I could feel my soul fill up. Wonderful. After that, it was back to the pub for some Irish coffee and wine and than back to Hannah's floor for more vegging out. Sunday involved more food and drink at a very cosy pub in Shepherds Bush.

Monday consisted of catching up with my friend Chris. Chris is probably one of the funniest and smartest people I know and we always have a giggle. He was regaling me with tales of cutting his hand open (it was funny when he was telling the story) and various other strange observational tales. Tuesday, I met up with Kate to plot and plan for the play we are writing. All very exciting stuff but not going to say anymore about it just yet as it's still very early days. But I'm hoping it will help the creative juices flowing again after what feels like a very dry patch for quite some time. Wednesday, I had a very lovely stroll along the river and past all the Christmas markets. I do love London at Christmas time - it does Christmassy things very well. And then it was time for the work Christmas do which was great fun and just a little bit drunken. Phew. I think that's my week so far. Plenty more lovely things planned although I am feeling just a tad bit weary today but nothing that a bit of snoozing won't cure. I do need to do some Christmas shopping too so had better start thinking about that though no doubt I will be doing it on Christmas Eve, as always. I'm actually really looking forward to 2009 - I think it's going to be a good 'un...

Eat, pray...love?

I'm finding that I have SO much going on in my head at any given time that a) action is lacking and b) I can't even seem to get words down on paper. Apologies if this turns into a rambling stream of consciousness with no apparent structure. What's been happening...well, to start on a rather sad note, a second person in a month decided it all had become too much to bear and committed suicide at Woking train station. Every time I arrive I arrive with some dread. Suicide doesn't disturb me - it's tragic and terribly terribly sad. Maybe it should disturb me but it doesn't. What disturbs me is the responses of my fellow passengers. A very irritating Australian man was on the phone for the entire journey and kept telling everyone he was speaking to that some selfish b*stard had thrown themselves under the train, how selfish, how selfish. Yes of course, my dear Australian man, that's the only thought that was in that poor man's head - god, I'd better not make some fat man late for his meeting in town / dinner date / boozy evening with his mates. I'm sure it's some sort of defense mechanism or just ignorance but I can't help but feel that some people really do feel very little for their fellow man - and that makes me mad more than anything. I could feel my hackles rise and it took all my self-restraint to not start ranting at him (preaching at him?).

The main thing eating up my brainpower at the moment is decision-making. The first year of my course is nearly over (it has gone so quickly!) but I have really struggled with the decision to continue on to the second year. Not because I don't enjoy it but because I've become so aware of that awful feeling that time is running out, and how can I pack everything I want to do, especially as they all seem to conflict. I'm a country girl at heart and don't want to stay living or working in the city. But in order to do my course I have to stay near London. On the other hand I'm a bit of a nomad, a free spirit and don't want to settle anywhere but I'm not quite ready to declare myself a hermit and live in some remote part of Wales or Dorset. I like people, I like having people around me. And if I commit to the next 4 years of my life to my course then I can't really escape at the drop of a hat - I've harboured desires to throw myself into an adventure, maybe the Clipper Race, or maybe just travelling round as I've never really done that. So, all these choices, all these decisions, and yet the inability to decide what I really want to do, where I am right now. So, I've decided to just let it all go and see what happens - that seems to work best for me and at least my head can stop aching from all the 'choices' I put in front of myself.

What I DO know is that although I might not be ready to love someone again I do need to make myself more open to the possibility, as scary as that is in itself. I'm reading Shakti Gawain's Living in the Light for the second time and two things really struck me this time around. She believes that until we are truly ready for a committed relationship with another it won't happen and that integrating all our selves is the greatest balancing act. This last thought really resonated with me as I can feel there are so many different parts to me - in psychosynthesis they call them subpersonalities, and yet I'm still unsure how I can integrate them all, how I can be everything I want to be, or rather be all of what I am. And as much as I found myself disagreeing with her comment about relationships, thinking I'm ready for a committed relationship with a wonderful partner who I can share my life with, I'm not sure if I am ready. I've just started reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (an amazing book) and she talks about how in her time of abstinence she really misses kissing. So do I. I also really miss the power of human touch. But I also know that I need time to be with myself, or as one Starbucks poster says, be with the person who's always been there. So, maybe, just for now, I can concentrate on that and surrender myself to the possibilities.

Only emotionally mature men need apply

It's been an interesting few days. On Friday I saw my ex's friend for dinner and drinks. I wasn't quite sure if he was coming on to me or not - there were definite suggestions of that but it's just too weird to contemplate. Inevitably, we talked about the ex and he mentioned some very interesting things. Firstly, the ex doesn't want me to know that he has a new girlfriend - I mean it's hardly a secret, it's on facebook for god's sake! In reality, I've known for months - I found out, quite by accident. I was hurt, of course I was hurt and amazed that I was so quickly replaced. But on reflection, I don't know why it came as such a shock. I first met the ex when he was in a long-term relationship and was living with her. He claims that he had never loved her. I admit I made a mistake - I started to see a man who was with someone else, who wasn't mine to have. And even though I was wary and scared of getting hurt (!) I went along with it - because I wanted to, because I fancied him, because why the hell not. I knew in my gut that it was going to end badly but I ignored that instinct and went ahead anyway. So, really I should have seen all of this coming - that I loved a man who is so terrified of being on his own, of being alone, that he will pursue and charm and flatter until someone agrees to go out with him, regardless of which country he's in. I still haven't figured out why he's so scared of being alone and that although it seems as if he has given his heart and soul to someone, the boy is a complete emotional retard. The signs were there from day one but I chose to ignore them. So there we are - a broken heart, a bitter pill but a lesson learnt.

My ex's friend maintained that the ex is as shallow as he seems - I begged to differ and suggested that the ex actually has incredible depth but is scared of such intense feelings. All of this begs the question that do we, can we, really ever know anyone? How can we know what they feel in their hearts, their souls? We have to take people at face value or we'll go mad with trying to work out what they are saying to us, what their inner dialogue might be, what they really feel. We have to trust that there is truth behind their smiles, their words. Don't we?

I have so many things I still want to say to my ex - partly because we never fully communicated when in the relationship - I was stonewalled at every opportunity and partly because I'm just one of those people that needs to express what they think and feel. I want honest, truthful discussion, in every area of my life. But to my fellow women I have two things to say. To B, I'm truly sorry. And to JEH? Bon chance ma cherie. I fear you're going to need it.

The winds of change

I can feel it. I can touch it. But I'm not sure I like it. It's all very odd. So much has changed this year and yet in some ways nothing has changed at all. There is so much going on in my head right now I just have to write it out. So, what's on my mind? Well, nothing seems to be falling into place. I also seem to be resisting a hell of a lot. Is such fear normal or is it indicative that it's just not right? I sort of feel like I'm treading water even though life is rushing and crashing over me at every turn, at a rate of knots. I'm not married, I have no children, I'm now 30 (did I mention that?!), I don't own a home. In many ways, nothing momentous is happening in my life at all at a time when everyone seems to be getting married, having babies, buying a home. I can't help feel just a little bit angry. But angry about what? I have my health, I have fantastic friends, I have family, I have a roof over my head. As Nina Simone said, I got life. So why isn't that enough?

Wot I've learnt

Now I'm the grand old age of 30, I wondered what I actually have learnt over these years - so here's a small selection...

1. Eat breakfast
2. Always carry a spare pair of contact lenses in your handbag
3. Carry an umbrella even if it's summer
4. Don't go running after a mugger in flip flops - you will never catch him up
5. Don't trust a man who woos you with expensive flowers and charming words
6. Keep your wits, your head & your sense of humour
7. Stay close to your girlies
8. Even if everyone is standing up on a train, there is usually a window seat to be found somewhere in the carriage
9. Always carry a notepad - you never know when inspiration will hit
10. Dance
11. Use contraception
12. Secrets and lies will always come out - no matter how hard you try to conceal them
13. Be truthful. To yourself and others
14. Take a risk. Go on...
15. Take time to be by yourself
16. Falling in love is easy but breaking up is hard to do
17. Look up at the sky and look at the stars
18. Keep your phone battery charged
19. Carry a camera with you - see no.9
20. Look at the architecture above your head
21. Never, ever, give your power away. To anyone
22. Wear a good bra
23. Smile at strangers
24. Take responsibility for yourself
25. Be wary of men who put you on a pedestal - you're only going to fall off
26. Have a good belly laugh - it will make you feel better
27. You can only love someone else if you love yourself - irritating cliche but true
28. The mind and body are inextricably linked
29. Women need to stop competing against each other but join forces
30. There is always hope

Brave new world

Well, this is it. The first post. I've been umming and aaahing over this for a while but there comes a time when you just think oh, sod it. I've never been one to not say what I think or share my views, so why start now? Many of my friends know that I have been a secret scribbler for many years ie writing in private but too scared to say I'm a writer, I enjoy being creative. But as this year has been a year of transition and time to try new things, to begin again, what better year to do this one thing for myself. So here we are. I've outted myself. And I ain't going back into the closet.